


utter my love when it counted

by fraybanes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (when is my work ever lol), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Violence, Mentions of past abuse, Not Beta Read, Past Relationship(s), Post-Episode: s03e15 To the Night Children, a bit of fluff as well, ending is...vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraybanes/pseuds/fraybanes
Summary: Heidi's dead, but so is everyone else.Maia decides to spend the night in an ex-lover's room to avoid going home.
Relationships: Maia Roberts & Jace Wayland, Maia Roberts/Jace Wayland
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	utter my love when it counted

**Author's Note:**

> read the tags please!
> 
> for the "memories" square in the Shadowhunters Bingo
> 
> the "canon divergence" bit is just that instead of the one-time hookup, Maia and Jace slept together a few more times and confided in each other about a few things before she broke it off (hopefully I've explained well in the story)
> 
> title is from shrike by hozier because i'm dramatic and pretentious

The door to Alec’s office clicks softly closed behind Maia. She lets out a long breath, her relief so intense it’s almost tangible, and slumps against the wall.

“It’s over,” she says, the faintest smile on her lips. “ _ Finally _ .”

Jace wants to smile back at her, say something reassuring, but he can’t. He can’t, because he’s never seen her look this tired before. If he were to smile, it would be fake, and she would know. If he were to try to talk, he wouldn’t even know where to begin.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he says anyway, because she deserves to hear it, and because it’s the one thing he can say with absolute certainty is true. “What did Alec say?”

She shrugs. “I’m free to go home.”

But she doesn’t.

“Home” is the docks. “Home” is closed off by police tape. “Home” has blood on its floors that she’s never going to be able to scrub out.

“Do you wanna stay the night?” Jace asks.

Maia lets out a brief, sad chuckle. “Not really,” she admits. “But… _ please _ .”

Jace’s room is colder than hers, but Maia’s had worse. She kicks off her shoes and sits at the edge of his bed, feeling a little out of place. Feeling a lot out of place, actually. She’s never really been in here before. In the Institute, yes, but never in Jace’s bedroom. And now, she has no right to be. Not after she ended things so suddenly and so ruthlessly, without so much as a last kiss. Not after she’s failed her whole pack.

She snaps out of her thoughts when Jace steps up, holding out a long grey sweater towards her. She raises an eyebrow at him.

“You have blood on your clothes.”

“Oh,” Maia says, remembering. She takes the sweater and begins to take off her jacket and top. Jace politely turns away, and it’s like the small gesture is reminding her once more that  _ they’re  _ over, and it was her fault. It was her choice to be alone.

She recognizes, somewhere deep down, that this is just her self-pity talking. That if she were still fucking Jace, it wouldn't make anything better - her friends would still be dead, their blood would still be on her hands. And so would Heidi's. But she also knows, in an even deeper corner of her mind, that if she hadn't ended things, they wouldn't just be _fucking_ now, because she had seen the adoration in his eyes, had felt her heart race whenever he kissed her cheek goodbye, had stayed up late drinking and talking with him long after she'd been satisfied with the sex. That was why she'd ended things, wasn't it?

She pushes the thoughts away and shrugs off the rest of her bloodied clothes.

“I’m decent,” she says once she’s dressed. He turns back around and, to her surprise, steps up to her and raises a gentle hand to her neck, brows furrowed in concentration as he examines the wound Heidi’s fangs left there. The medics at the Institute patched her up pretty well, and with her werewolf healing already kicking in, the bitemark is the least of Maia’s worries. But apparently not Jace’s.

“I should’ve been there,” he says quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she whispers back. “I’m fine.”

He shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything else. So they stand there for a minute, then two, then five, with his fingers gently rubbing her neck and her head slowly inching forward to rest against his chest, and for a moment she feels safe.

It doesn't last.

The second she closes her eyes and starts to relax into Jace’s touch, it’s like she’s living it all over again, faster and more intensely: Glenn choking on his own blood. The light leaving Russell’s eyes. Jordan bleeding out in front of her. Jordan taking a knife for her. Jordan staring down at her in the rain, hatred in his eyes and her blood on his claws.

She pulls back from Jace, and he immediately lets go of her. She turns away from him, trying to ground herself, but it’s hard in the unfamiliar, dimly-lit room where she can still see her blood-soaked clothes at the foot of the bed.

She kicks them out of sight and crawls under the covers. “I’m taking the bed.”

“Of course you are.”

She can almost hear his fond smile.

She pulls the sheets up over herself and scoots over to the side of the bed she always sleeps -  _ slept  _ \- on when they shared a bed. Not this bed, though, and rarely for sleeping.

She shakes her head free of the memories. It was fun while it lasted, that’s what they’re telling everybody. It was never serious. It wasn’t a heartbreak. She’s not any more alone now than she was before. It’s  _ fine _ .

Except that she  _ is  _ alone. More alone than she’s been since she ran away from home. And this time, it’s  _ not  _ going to be fine.

She looks up to see Jace looking at her, as if asking for permission, and when she gives him a look that basically says, “duh!”, he slips under the covers on the free side, still leaving a generous amount of space between them.

She appreciates it.

“I don’t think I can actually sleep tonight,” she admits after a moment.

“I know what you mean,” he says. “What can I do to help?”

Maia shakes her head. “Unless you have a way to travel back in time, I don’t think there’s really much you can do.”

“I’m sorry,” Jace says, quiet and full of sincerity.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

There is a pause. Jace sighs. “Wasn’t your fault, either.”

She looks at him without really meaning to. It’s a mistake - he’s already staring at her with sad eyes and a sadder smile, and she can tell he wholeheartedly believes what he’s saying.

“It’s not that simple,” Maia says, turning away again. “I was supposed to protect them. And Jordan…”

She cuts herself off. He can see the tears welling up in her eyes and he wants to reach out to touch her, offer some sort of comfort. But he doesn’t. He knows better than to try when she’s not in a position to stop him if she needs to.

Instead, he keeps the conversation going to keep her from getting lost in her thoughts. “Is he gonna live?”

“I don’t know,” Maia says. She hopes he does. But she can’t tell whether she wants him to be okay because she cares about him, or because he got stabbed to save her life.

Or maybe, it’s because she doesn’t want to be the only person who got to walk out of the Jade Wolf.

She can feel Jace’s eyes on her. “ _ What _ ?” she demands.

“Did you know,” he begins quietly, “that Valentine took an arrow in the chest for me once?”

Maia draws her knees up to her chest. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah,” Jace goes on, an edge of bitter humour to his voice. “I still don’t know whether it was part of his manipulations or actually instinct, but… he pushed me out of the way without hesitation. Probably saved my life.” He pauses. She hears him swallow. “And he cooked for me, and taught me my first words, and told me he loved me…and still didn’t hesitate to stab me in the heart the second I got in his way.”

Maia doesn’t say anything.

“Jordan could be a fucking saint now, for all I know,” Jace says. “He could spend his time rescuing puppies and cooking for old ladies and he could never hurt you - or anyone - again. You’re still allowed to hate him for what he did to you.”

Maia quickly wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand and shakes her head. “It’s not just that…”

“What is it?” Jace prompts gently.

“I don’t-” She sniffles, willing away the tears again. “Why am  _ I  _ always the one who gets to walk away from it all?” And once that first sentence is out, it’s like a dam breaks: her words spill out as freely and as easily as her tears. “I feel like I’m living in-between disasters. Every time I think I’m happy, or just content, or- hell, even  _ stable _ , the world falls apart and everyone I love gets taken away from me and I’m all alone but I have to be strong and I have to be okay. Because  _ somebody  _ has to put the world back together and if I got to hide while my friends got their throats slit in front of me, it's the  _ least  _ I can do!”

She’s not sure when or how it happens, only that the next thing she knows, she’s clutching onto Jace’s shirt and crying her heart out and he’s letting her fall apart right in his arms.

He doesn’t say anything to convince her that it’s going to be okay. She appreciates that, too.

When she’s done sobbing, she looks up at him, too exhausted to feel embarrassed by her outburst. He smiles gently at her and wipes the stray tears from her cheeks with his thumb. “Not tonight,” he whispers. “Tonight, you just have to get some rest. We’re gonna get through this, okay?”

He bumps her nose with his. It’s a small, sweet, ridiculous enough gesture that it almost makes her smile.

But it fades quickly. “Jace,” she says. “I need a lot more closure. With Jordan and…you know. Before I can…”

“I know,” he says. “That’s okay. Just let me be here for you? As a friend?”

She swallows thickly and nods, resting her cheek against his chest again. He holds her, like he used to after nights of drunken laughter and wandering hands, until, miraculously, she falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> btw I think this scene (or something like it) could very well have happened with Simon too (3B Simon...idk him) but I'm in a Jaia mood rn. might write a sequel or prequel to this, but no promises!


End file.
